Ah, brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen! The great carnival of AEW Dynamite Results May 31 is rolling into the Viejas Arena in San Diego, the same arena known for hosting… um, well, other things probably. Now, they’ll have to mop up all the remnants from the fiery catastrophe that was last Sunday night’s Double or Nothing! Quite literally, double or nothing; as in you either get a fantastic wrestling show or you get, well, nothing.
Our favorite rockstar-turned-wrestler, Chris Jericho, in what could be seen as an absolutely fantastic career move, is joining forces with Saraya. Oh yes, they’re bracing themselves to retaliate for that teeny-weeny hiccup at the PPV, when they were gently bodyslammed by Adam Cole & Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. Yes, ladies and gents, that’s a real dentist. Imagine being a dentist and a professional wrestler? One day she’s extracting teeth, the next, she’s knocking them out in the ring. Efficiency at its finest!
The hits keep coming
And that’s not all! Tony Khan, the wrestling world’s favourite wealthy benefactor, will be gracing us with his newest revelation about Collision. I’m sure we’re all simply vibrating with anticipation. We’ll also be hearing from Konosuke Takeshita and Don Callis, who, rumour has it, did a bit of a naughty to The Elite. Let’s not forget about the two Women’s title changes that happened in Vegas – because what happens in Vegas, doesn’t stay in Vegas when it comes to wrestling titles.
Oh, and if you find yourself twiddling your thumbs at AEW Dynamite Results May 31, 8 pm ET, do join us for the Dynamite live blog, the digital equivalent of watching paint dry. They say it kicks off once the show starts on TNT. It will be below this line here… or there… somewhere.
Please, by all means, enjoy the show! Just remember, I’ll be here too, dancing my version of the macabre while liveblogging this whole wrestling extravaganza for you. After all, what else could I possibly be doing with my time? Absolutely thrilled, I am. Top notch entertainment, this. Absolutely riveting.
Bandido & Lucha Bros (Penta el Zero M & Rey Fenix) vs. Blackpool Combat Club (Claudio Castagnoli, Jon Moxley, & Wheeler YUTA)
Well, buckle up, buttercups! We’re off to a scintillating start with Bandido & the Lucha Bros (Penta el Zero M & Rey Fenix) up against the delightful chaps from the Blackpool Combat Club (Claudio Castagnoli, Jon Moxley, & Wheeler YUTA). And in an impressive twist of fate, “American Dragon” Bryan Danielson is joining us in the commentary box. I’m just praying he doesn’t pull a hamstring.
We kick off with a good old-fashioned brawl, the Blackpool boys taking control with the same finesse as a bull in a china shop. Just when it looks like the luchadors might take a leap of faith from the top rope, they’re stopped with a few well-placed punches. Almost poetic, really.
YUTA, bless him, decides to give Bandido a little floor tour before finally showing some basic manners and taking the fight back to the ring. Oh, look! There’s the bell! And here I was thinking we were attending a garden party.
Back from the break
Back to our carnival of wrestling, Penta clears the ring with all the grace of a charging rhinoceros, before tagging Bandido. But in a move as shocking as finding out the Queen likes a good cuppa, YUTA and his gang perform a piledriver, leaving Bandido sprawled on the floor like a deflated balloon. Cue the ad break.
Back from the break and, would you believe it, Bandido’s still getting the stuffing beaten out of him. But, like a true underdog, he manages to land an uppercut on Mox. Tornillo off the ropes? Yes please!
We return to the back and forth tag circus with Fenix and Castagnoli. Fenix pulls off some nifty moves before delivering a superkick that would make any footballer green with envy.
Eventually, we find Bandido and YUTA trading elbows. Then Bandido goes topless, an obvious distraction tactic. And, would you believe it? Wheeler actually manages to kick out from a diving splash! Astounding!
Despite an onslaught from Bandido and the Lucha Bros, Wheeler YUTA wins it for Blackpool with the seatbelt pin. The day is saved! And Danielson, proud as a father watching his child’s first steps, lifts YUTA’s hand in victory. Bring out the champagne!
We’re then treated to an interview with the Elite backstage. Matt Jackson claims that Blackpool Combat Club bring out the worst in them. What a revelation! I mean, who would’ve guessed?
They’re interrupted by the Dark Order, and Adam Page announces that Kenny Omega is hurt and out of the country, but not in Canada. Thank you, Adam, for that insightful piece of geographical trivia.
Well, that’s all for now, folks! Off to another ad break we go. Stay tuned for more utterly riveting wrestling action, or, you know, watch paint dry. Your choice. stay tuned indeed for more AEW Dynamite Results May 31.
Bullet Club Gold
And we’re back from the commercial, folks, ready to tackle the drama head on!
Tony Schiavone is waiting in the ring to interview the illustrious Bullet Club Gold. With all the charm and grace of a pantomime villain, “Switchblade” Jay White and “Rock Hard” Juice Robinson cosy up to Schiavone. You’d think they were about to invite him to a pub quiz night.
White decides to address the Double or Nothing kerfuffle and points out that Ricky Starks may be feeling on top of the world after eliminating both of them. But, alas, Ricky still isn’t the International Champion. Not sure if anyone’s told Ricky that yet, but I imagine it’ll be quite the conversation starter.
Robinson then turns his attention to FTR. He’s got a bone to pick with them about saving Ricky Starks. He seems confused, declaring Ricky has no friends. Well, you know what they say about assumptions, Juice. He also decides to insult FTR’s speed and intellect, claiming they were dumb enough to meddle in the Bang Bang Gang’s affairs. Such eloquence. It’s like Shakespeare, if he was a wrestler.
Enter FTR, probably the slow, dumb-looking guys Juice was just speaking so lovingly about.
Juice seems to think they’re here to apologise. Jay goes one better and says they must be here to join Bullet Club Gold. All they need to do is ask, preferably with a ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Good manners are important, after all. Jay “accidentally” drops the mic, probably overcome with anticipation. But before anyone can say ‘sorry’, Juice dives in with a cheap shot and all hell breaks loose. Just another day at the office.
Our hero, Ricky Starks, finally makes an appearance, saving the day and challenging Jay White to a showdown next week. Hopefully, someone will remind him that he’s not the International Champion before then.
Oh, and Tony Khan is back again with another big announcement about AEW Collision. If I had a quid for every time Tony made a ‘big announcement’, I’d have enough to buy a very large cup of tea. But wait, this time it’s actually something noteworthy: Collision will feature CM Punk! Yes, you read that right, CM Punk! Now, isn’t that just the bee’s knees? Tune in next time for more wrestling melodrama. Same time, same channel, and always the same old nonsense.
“Big” Bill Morrissey vs. Shane “Swerve” Strickland vs. Trent Beretta
There we were, Beretta dodging Morrissey like he’s the last pickled onion at a buffet. After a quick whip and a swing through the ropes, Trent starts peppering the big man with chops like a chef at a sushi bar. But Morrissey isn’t having any of it and serves up some corner body avalanches like a bouncer at closing time. Now, we all need a break after that, don’t we?
Back from the ad-break, which was probably for something you don’t need, Beretta and Strickland are trading blows on the apron. It’s like a boot sale, but with punches. Then, in a stunning display of gravity defiance, Trent pulls off an Orihara moonsault and takes Morrissey down. This is followed by Swerve nailing him with a toe kick. Remind me again why we don’t use boxing gloves in wrestling?
Anyway, the next thing you know, everybody’s down like it’s nap time at nursery school. Then Morrissey springs back up like a Jack-in-the-Box, dishes out a Bossman Slam on Trent, and Shane nips in with a heel kick. So close to three but, alas, it’s only a two count. Don’t worry, Shane, it’s not about winning, it’s about… nah, it’s definitely about winning.
Suddenly, we’re blessed with a glorious video montage dedicated to Kris Statlander’s triumphant return as the AEW TBS Champion. Ah, the things they can do with video editing these days.
The acclaimed are here
Then Renee Paquette graces us with her presence, interviewing the Acclaimed and Daddy Ass on the stage. You can’t make this stuff up. Daddy Ass, aka Billy Gunn, delivers a heart-wrenching speech about failure, regret, and letting down the people he cares about most. Someone pass the tissues, please.
Just when I thought we were done, back pops Tony Schiavone, now in the ring to interview “human piece of garbage” Don Callis and Konosuke Takeshita. The reception? It’s like the audience has turned into a herd of feral cows, raining down boos like it’s their civic duty. Don tries to speak, but the crowd’s chorus of disapproval is too loud. He tries to play the sympathy card, suggesting the boos are for Kenny Omega, the real victim here. Very convincing, Don.
According to Callis, Kenny Omega is basically responsible for all the world’s ills. Including the scar on his head, naturally. But every cloud has a silver lining, and in this case, it’s Konosuke Takeshita, who Don proudly claims is a better athlete than the Mount Rushmore of Japanese wrestling. Better than Kenny Omega? Well, you can’t fault his audacity.
With a rallying cry of “they’ll destroy the Elite”, Callis announces his plans to build a new family and cut the Elite out of AEW. And on that bombshell, it’s time for another break. I can hardly wait.
Darby Allin & Orange Cassidy vs. Gates of Agony (Bishop Kaun & Toa Liona)
Oh, what’s this? Orange is trying to introduce Liona’s face to the turnbuckles. Liona, however, is not having any of it and Orange gets suplexed instead. It’s like a schoolyard fight, but with spandex. Allin tries to join the fun, but the Gates duo make quick work of him. There’s a military press double knee gutbuster on Orange that looks about as pleasant as root canal surgery. Suddenly, we have Prince Nana, Brian Cage, and “Swerve” Strickland joining the audience. Talk about a star-studded spectator group.
Allin is being treated like a rag doll as the heat segment continues. Despite his best efforts to escape, Kaun treats him like a DIY punching bag. After a quick bout of traffic jam action, Toa flattens Cassidy and we get a well-deserved commercial break.
Fast-forward to post-commercial action and Kaun is attempting a backbreaker on Allin. Liona, not to be left out, pulls off a senton on the apron that leaves Allin gasping for breath. Even after this aerial assault, Darby still manages to kick out. Talk about resilience!
Winner: Cassidy and Allin
After an impressive set of moves from Cassidy and Allin, our heroes manage to nab the victory with a Coffin Drop. This is the sort of stuff that makes you believe in underdogs.
Just when you think the show’s over, in storms Swerve, Cage, and Prince Nana. The stage is set for a post-match showdown, but the cavalry arrives in the form of Sting! He clears the heels off faster than a cosmetic product endorsement.
Just before the break, we’re treated to a video promo featuring Maxwell Jacob Friedman. He gives his two cents about Allin’s defeat and predictably, it’s not complimentary. Apparently, the devil has got competition and its name is MJF. Stay tuned, folks. This is about to get even more interesting.
Kris Statlander (c) vs. Nyla Rose (AEW TBS Championship)
Oh, here we go. HOOK is making his grand entrance, probably hoping to grab the mic for a moment of fame. But hold your horses, HOOK! La Faccion Ingobernable are making their way down the ramp, ready to steal your spotlight.
Jose the Assistant, the master of stating the obvious, claims that they only get TV time by interrupting like this. I mean, what else are they going to do, Jose? Sit around and wait for an invitation? Anyway, Jose hypes up Rush as being too dangerous before setting Dralistico and Preston Vance on HOOK. Because clearly, if you can’t outshine them, you should just beat them up.
Just when it looks like HOOK might need to phone a friend, in swoops “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry, brandishing a chair like a knight with a sword. Dralistico and Preston Vance get their share of whacks, while Jose finds himself on the receiving end of a suplex from HOOK. That’s showbiz, baby.
After the kerfuffle, Renee Paquette is backstage with the Outcasts. Toni Storm, bless her, believes that no one in the locker room is good enough to even carry her bags. Ruby Soho, meanwhile, is doing her best motivational speaker impression, banging on about her work ethic. Storm promises to be a fighting champion, but I have my doubts about whether there’s anyone in the locker room who can give her a good fight.
In a match that feels like David vs. Goliath, Kris Statlander takes on Nyla Rose for the AEW TBS Championship. Despite Nyla’s intimidating presence, Kris dodges, kicks, and generally throws herself around the ring like a human wrecking ball. After a commercial break, Kris even goes as far as to pin Nyla with a 450 splash. I’m not sure if I should be impressed or just concerned for her safety.
Anyway, after all that excitement, we see Taya Valkyrie backstage, looking about as happy as a cat in a bath. Commentary then does its usual job of hyping up next week’s shows before we get another recap of Double or Nothing. I’m not sure about you, but I could really do with a lie down after all that.
Adam Cole & Dr. Britt Baker, DMD vs. Chris Jericho & Saraya (Mixed Tag Team Match)
Right, so here we go again. Jericho and Cole starting off, and Jericho seems to be under the impression that this is a slapping competition. After what feels like an eternity of chops, they finally move outside where Jericho introduces Cole to the barricade. Lovely.
Saraya tags in and it looks like we’re about to witness a staredown between her and Cole. But no, Cole opts for the high road and makes his exit, leaving Baker to step in. Apparently, she didn’t get the memo about the slapping competition because she comes in with some pretty vicious forearms. After a brief break, we’re back and guess what? More punching and chopping.
But hang on, we’ve got some tag team tactics on display here. Y2J trips Baker up, Saraya jumps on her and, voila, it’s time for a commercial break.
Back from the break and oh, look, we’ve got Jericho sliding in to talk trash. In other shocking news, water is wet. Things get a little more exciting with Jericho pulling off a Lionsault but Cole manages to kick out. Honestly, the audacity.
Britt with the LOCKJAW on Jericho
Then comes the real highlight of the match. Britt gets Jericho in a Lockjaw, presumably just to mix things up a bit. But before you can say ‘submission move’, Saraya breaks it up. The match degenerates into a bit of a free-for-all, but eventually, Adam Cole gets tagged in, knee pad down and all.
And there you have it, folks. Adam Cole & Dr. Britt Baker, DMD take the victory with a solid Boom from Cole on Chris Jericho. I hope you enjoyed the show as much as I enjoyed commentating it. But let’s face it, that’s unlikely. Until next time, wrestling fans.
Well, there you have it. Another night of wrestling action on AEW Dynamite Results May 31 filled to the brim with chops, trash talk, and enough superkicks to last a lifetime. Cole and Baker managed to secure a win over Jericho and Saraya in a match that was less wrestling and more a demonstration of how many times one can slap an opponent. Until next time, keep those chops flying high and the sarcastic commentary flowing.
A: Adam Cole and Dr. Britt Baker managed to clinch the victory, much to the shock of everyone (or no one).
Far too many. Seriously, we lost count after the 5th slap.
Yes, there were brief glimmers of wrestling strategy, but they were often overshadowed by chops and trash talk.
Well, if you consider staring down an opponent or interrupting a submission move sportsmanlike, then yes.
Let’s just say it felt like an eternity, with a fair share of commercial breaks.
Given the outcome, one would assume so, but who really knows in the world of wrestling?
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