**CONTAINS SPOILERS” – AEW Rampage and Battle of the Belts Results For April 7, 2023″”
Oh, look at that – it’s Friday night and you’re probably all alone, wondering what’s on the menu for tonight. But fear not, my friend, because we’ve got just the thing to keep you company: AEW Rampage & Battle of the Belts VI, live from the Ryan Center in Kingston, RI!
And who do we have on the announce team, you ask? Well, we’ve got Excalibur, Tony Schiavone, and Jim Ross – the dream team of wrestling commentary. I mean, these guys know their stuff, so you’re definitely in good hands…unless you were hoping for some actual insightful analysis.
So let’s dive into the action, shall we? Get ready for some bone-crunching, heart-pumping, completely scripted excitement. It’s like watching a bunch of overgrown children play-fighting, but with more expensive production values. And who wouldn’t want to spend their Friday night doing that? I mean, it beats going out and actually interacting with other human beings, am I right?
FTW Championship Match: HOOK vs. “All Ego” Ethan Page!
Oh, boy! We kicked off the show with a real barn burner of a match – Hook defending his FTW Championship against “All Ego” Ethan Page. And let me tell you, the rules were simple: falls count anywhere and anything goes! It’s like watching a street fight, but with more rules…or less, I’m not quite sure.
Things got off to a flying start before Hook even made his entrance, with Page booting him in the face. These guys wasted no time and immediately started brawling around the ring, with Hook headbutting Page. I mean, who needs technique when you can just use your skull as a battering ram, right?
And let’s not forget the weapons. Hook wasn’t afraid to use anything at his disposal, including a metal garbage can. I mean, who knew garbage cans could be so deadly? But Page wasn’t about to be outdone and swung a steel pipe at Hook. It’s like watching a DIY store come to life.
But the real action was happening outside the ring, with the fight taking place among the fans. It’s like being at a rock concert, but with more fake blood and sweat. And even Matt Hardy and Isiah Kassidy watched on the monitor backstage. I guess they were too afraid to get in the ring and mix it up with these titans of wrestling.
In the end, Hook proved himself to be the better man and forced Page to tap out with his signature submission move, the RedRum. That’s right, folks, the RedRum. Because who needs a real move when you can just make up your own? And to add insult to injury, Hook tossed Page through a table with a t-bone suplex after the match. I mean, why stop at one table when you can have two, am I right?
Eight-Man Tag Match: The J.A.S. & The Acclaimed vs. The Infantry
Ah, the next match was an eight-man tag match – because who needs actual one-on-one competition when you can just throw a bunch of guys in a ring and call it a day? The match featured The J.A.S. (Angelo Parker & Matt Menard with Jake Hager) & The Acclaimed (Anthony Bowens & Max Caster with Daddy Ass) vs. The Infantry, Bobby Orlando, and LSG!
And let me tell you, the action was…well, there was action, I suppose. Bowens nailed LSG with a thrust kick, and the rest of his team quickly took care of The Infantry, knocking them out of the ring. I mean, it’s like watching a game of dodgeball, but with more theatrics.
But things took a turn for the worse after the match, as Jake Hager leveled Daddy Ass with a cheap shot. I mean, who knew that wrestling could be so brutal and violent? Menard and Parker weren’t going to let Bowens get off easy either, drilling him with a double DDT! I guess it’s all fun and games until someone gets hit in the face.
In the end, it was a “very successful partnership just based on results,” according to Excalibur. Because who needs teamwork and strategy when you can just beat your opponents into submission? And let’s not forget that rescinded offer to join the J.A.S. – talk about a harsh rejection. But hey, I’m sure there’s plenty of other wrestling factions out there looking for new members, right?
Swerve Strickland’s Announcement
AEW Rampage and Battle of the Belts Results For April 7 2023
Oh, hold onto your hats, folks, because Swerve Strickland has made an announcement! And let me tell you, he made it loud and clear – because who needs a little thing called “inside voices,” right?
According to Swerve, just because they lost some soldiers doesn’t mean they lost the war. No, they’re going to recruit more soldiers and keep fighting. It’s like watching a really bad war movie, but with less explosions and more spandex.
But wait, there’s more – because apparently there’s been a merger. Swerve has joined forces with…someone. Who, you ask? Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? It’s like playing a game of “Guess Who” but with more sweaty wrestlers.
And we’ll have to find out later tonight, apparently. Because who needs instant gratification when you can just drag things out for hours, right? But hey, I’m sure it’s going to be a good one – because when has a wrestling merger ever gone wrong? Oh wait…
Darby Allin vs. Lee Moriarty (with Big Bill)
Oh, here we go again – another match. This time it’s Darby Allin taking on Lee Moriarty (with Big Bill). Because who needs a break between matches, right? Darby used a side headlock takeover on Moriarty, and even “Jungle Boy” Jack Perry was shown watching backstage. Because when you’re a wrestler, you can never get enough of watching other people wrestle.
And let’s not forget about Sammy Guevara scouting the match backstage. I mean, who needs to actually be in the ring when you can just watch from a monitor like you’re playing a video game? “Hey guys, I just hit level 20 on WWE 2K22!”
But then, things took a turn for the worse when Big Bill blasted Darby with a massive boot as the ref had his back turned. Because who needs sportsmanship when you can just cheat your way to victory, right? “That’s not a kick, that’s a bloody missile!”
But Darby rallied back with a shotgun dropkick to Lee Moriarty. I mean, who knew shotguns could be so versatile? Lee wasn’t going down that easily, though, and suplexed Darby off the turnbuckles and followed up with a moonsault. It’s like watching a gymnastics competition, but with more grunting and slamming. “And that’s what happens when you mix parkour with pro wrestling!”
But Darby had a few tricks up his sleeve and surprised Lee with a Code Red. Because who needs a real move when you can just make up your own? And then he rocketed out of the ring at Big Bill, neutralizing him! It’s like watching a superhero movie, but with less special effects and more ring ropes. “And he’s off like a bat out of hell! Someone call Marvel!”
But the excitement didn’t end there, oh no. Swerve Strickland walked onto the ramp after the match, offering his hand to Darby. But Darby looked at him suspiciously – because who needs trust when you can just assume everyone’s out to get you, right? And sure enough, “The Machine” Brian Cage ambushed Darby Allin. Because who needs subtlety when you can just beat someone up in broad daylight? “And he’s taken him out like a lion hunting its prey!”
And to top it all off, Prince Nana strolled onto the ramp. Because who needs actual royalty when you can just call yourself a prince and strut around like you own the place? It became clear that Swerve’s merger was with The Embassy! Because who needs one stable when you can just join forces with another? “And it looks like Swerve is becoming quite the diplomat, joining forces with The Embassy. Who needs the United Nations when you can just have a wrestling alliance?”
TBS Championship Match: Jade Cargill vs. Billie Starkz
AEW Rampage and Battle of the Belts Results For April 7, 2023 – now that’s a mouthful. And speaking of mouthfuls, it’s time for the TBS Championship match featuring Jade Cargill (with “Smart” Mark Sterling and Leila Grey) and Billie Starkz. Billie got things off to a cheeky start by slapping Jade in the face, but Jade responded with a knee shot to the ribs. It’s like watching a playground fight, but with more skill and less crying.
Jade wasn’t done yet, as she then used a fallaway slam on poor Billie. It’s like a game of catch, but instead of a ball, it’s a person flying through the air. Billie tried to make a comeback, but Jade shut her down with a pump kick and then flattened her with Jaded for the pin. “And just like that, it’s over for Billie. Better luck next time, love.”
But Taya Valkyrie wasn’t going to let Jade off the hook that easily. She stormed the ring like a woman possessed, dodged a shot from Jade, and then took her down with a forearm. It’s like watching a WWE Royal Rumble, but with less theatrics and more pure aggression. Taya tried to finish things off, but Jade managed to escape and make a run for it. “And just like that, Jade beats a hasty retreat. Looks like Taya wasn’t buying what she was selling!”
Battle of the Belts VI Main Event: Lucha Brothers vs. Powerhouse Hobbs & QT Marshall
Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Battle of the Belts VI Main Event! And what a match we had in store for us! The ROH World Tag Team Championship match between The Lucha Brothers (Penta El Zero Miedo & Rey Fenix with Alex Abrahantes) and TNT Champion Powerhouse Hobbs & QT Marshall (with QTV)!
ROH’s Caprice Coleman joined the broadcast booth for this match, and the intensity was through the roof. QT Marshall tried to play tough guy, but Penta El Zero Miedo put him in his place with a slap. And let’s be honest, that’s probably the hardest QT’s been hit since he realized he couldn’t grow a decent beard.
Hobbs didn’t fare much better, eating thrust kicks from Penta El Zero Miedo left and right. But I have to give credit where credit is due, Marshall did a good job of keeping the Lucha Brothers grounded during the match. It’s not easy when you’re teaming up with a guy who looks like a budget Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
The Lucha Brothers weren’t going to back down without a fight, though, hitting a sling blade on QT and taking Hobbs down with the backstabber. Rey Fenix landed a rana on QT, and Penta nailed him with a DDT. And let’s not forget the incredible corkscrew kick from Rey Fenix that left Hobbs stunned.
But it was the rapid-fire offense of the Lucha Brothers that really sealed the deal. Penta and Rey kicked Hobbs from every direction, leaving him dazed and confused. The QTV crew looked like they were about to interfere, but then they were distracted by Alex Abrahantes at ringside. And let’s face it, they probably didn’t want to get in the way of a pissed-off Lucha Brother.
Hobbs managed to powerbomb Penta on the apron, but Rey Fenix came back with a spinning kick on QT. And finally, after a hard-fought battle, Rey Fenix rolled up QT Marshall for the pin! What a match! It was an incredible performance from all the wrestlers involved.
So, that was tonight’s “AEW Rampage and Battle of the Belts Results For April 7 2023”, broadcast from the Ryan Center in Kingston, RI! It was a night full of surprises, twists, and turns, and I think we can all agree that it was well worth the watch. If you missed it, don’t worry, you can always catch AEW DYNAMITE on TBS next Wednesday live at 8/7ct from the UW – Milwaukee Panther Arena in Milwaukee, WI! And remember, the home of professional wrestling is All Elite Wrestling!